There is a list for everything. Life stressors are no
exception. There are lists of life stressors. Life stressors are ranked.
A quick Google search located several of these lists. There
are differences between the lists. Everyone can agree that divorce, moving and
job loss are major sources of stress, even if their place on the list can vary
from list to list.
But there is one life stressor that everyone can agree on.
The number one life stressor, according to people who compile such things, is
the death of a spouse. The death of a spouse sounds like something so terrible
that I never want to experience it. Unless your spouse is someone you really
can't stand, then this is going to be tragic.
The missing stressor on the vast majority of lists is the death
of a child. This is a glaring omission. The best explanation I can come up with
is that no one wanted to think about it so they didn't put it on the list. It was as if this possibility was too much of
a downer for anyone to consider.
I did not do an exhaustive search for a list with the death
of a child on it. But I did find the following statement on a website called be happy 101. Quite, honestly it did actually make
me happy to read this.
"I noticed (as
maybe you have) that there is nothing on this list about the death of one of
your children as one of life's most stressful events - which I would consider
as THE most stressful event imaginable. I have experienced this in my family
(not me thankfully, but two of my family members have had their children die in
accidents). This, I believe, would rate even higher than 100 on the stress
score (which is the rating for the death of a spouse). And while the death of a
spouse would certainly be unbelievably traumatic (i.e., stressful and deserving
of a '100' score) the death of my child would be at least as painful/stressful.
I'm not sure why the psychologist(s) who created this list left that off the
list. In any case, if you've experienced this terrible event, rate it at
whatever level you feel is appropriate."
The death of a child is the life stressor to end all life
stressors. Many other life stressors can at least be re-framed and organized.
The loss of this job might open new doors that wouldn't have been possible at
the old job. Maybe you can see, even in the heat of the moment, that divorce is
in fact the best thing. Maybe in retrospect if you weren't able to do that at
the time.
The death of a child defies this. Your child dying has no
silver lining. Excuse my language. Your child dying is royally fucked up.
Jeremy and I experienced the death of our son Jacob. In the
days, weeks and months following the loss, I had the following, seemingly
opposing feelings with frequency.
Since I was still alive after childhood cancer treatment and
the death of my child, this implied I would be able to endure anything or any
stressor.
Since I was forced to endure the death of my child, this implied
that I would not be able to tolerate any more stressors.
In general, I had no patience with other people's stressors
unless that stressor was the death of a child.
Over time, these feelings tempered and became more nuanced.
I realized I was able to sustain other life stressors as long as none of my
other children died. I could listen patiently while people complained about the
weather, the grocery store line or whatever.
Losing a child does a lot of things. One of the things it
did was put everything else into perspective. Being up all night with a child
with croup was a privilege because I knew a steamy shower followed by a 3:00 AM
walk in the brisk air would cure my
child. Sure, it was scary. But I was in control. If I could see one child
through hospice, I could certainly handle croup.
Same with the NYC public school application process, various
non-cancerous medical emergencies, crappy clients, neuropsychological labels,
PTSD and indignities of all kinds.
It took me a bit longer to admit that I wasn't superhuman.
For the most part, it took me until about three years ago to realize some of
that. The rest happened sometime last week.
Here is what I figured out. It's great to have perspective.
It's awesome to know what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Using grief and
loss to help other people infuses what could seem senseless with meaning.
It turns out that the death of my child eclipsed all other
life stressors. I was able to eventually develop the capacity to support other
people with their problems. I was able to listen with empathy and compassion.
But when it came to extending that same kind of understanding to myself, I
often fell short.
In accurately recognizing that home renovation, Christmas,
an ambiguous medical test or an unexpected financial expense were not as
stressful as losing a child, I failed to recognize them as stressors at all.
It's hard to accommodate something you don't recognize.
It was time to stop ignoring my lessor stressors.
I don't have any big answers yet. So far, I am just naming
them stressors. I'm not looking to get rid of stressors. I am looking to calmly
take care of myself when things come up.
Soon there will be college applications, financial aid
packages and tours. We are planning to
re-do our closets. My son keeps outgrowing everything. The prices of everything
have gone up. The holidays will be here before we know it. The anniversary of Jacob's death is soon upon
us.
I will need accommodations when it comes to these things. I
will need to ask for help. The first thing I'm doing is admitting that they are
stressors. In recognizing that this makes me just like everybody else, I'm already
feeling better.
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